HIStalk Quotes
Yet Another Satirical Phony News Issue
posted 05/13/2007
Everything here is either a spoof on actual news or a completely fictitious work of satire, for entertainment purposes only. In other words, it's in good (and legal) fun.
Siemens Announces Long-Awaited Microsoft Healthcare Technology Partnership
(MALVERN, Pennsylvania) Medical software vendor Siemens Medical Solutions will announce today a far-reaching deal with Microsoft Corporation that experts say could revolutionize the maligned state of US healthcare technology, sources report.
By partnering with Microsoft, Siemens will have unparalleled access to the vast expertise of the Redmond, Washington based technology giant. In return, Microsoft will increase its profitable footprint in the healthcare IT marketplace.
Microsoft chief executive officer Steve Ballmer will join Siemens executives in announcing the new partnership at the upcoming HIMSS Virtual Conference & Expo.
Neither company would confirm details of the technologies involved in the agreement. Siemens has indicated that a specific, unnamed Microsoft platform already used extensively in the company’s Soarian product will be further enhanced and marketed through a joint development agreement.
Unnamed Siemens sources have verified that a key element of the partnership will be Microsoft PowerPoint. Under the agreement, Soarian screens will be re-branded with a “Powered by PowerPoint” logo, although the company declined to provide an estimate of how many actual end-users will ever see it.
MEDITECH Programmer: “I May Not Be Very Good, but I’m Damn Sure Worth $32K”
(WESTWOOD, Massachusetts) MEDITECH Programmer/Analyst Rick Olsen admits that his coding skills are mediocre at best, but says he is easily worth his salary.
“I’m certainly no star, but for the $32,000 a year the company pays me, I think I’m a pretty good deal, especially given the high cost of living here.”
Bunker Hill Community College programming instructor Ramamrita Ranganathan taught Olsen in an Introductory Visual Basic course and agrees with his former student’s assessment of his capabilities. “Rick never really got the theoretical aspects of programming,” he says. “Still, he was a pretty good kid and he helped me change a flat tire once. I’m glad he finally found a job.”
Olsen, 26, lives with his parents and runs the Black Knights Xbox gaming clan in his spare time. “Working for MEDITECH is what I imagine grad school must be like,” the minimally educated coder says. “All of my programmer buds here are young and poor, but it’s crazy here, 24x7 fun.”
Walter Catlett, Olsen’s supervisor, says Olsen “does an OK job, I guess” for the company, although his lack of knowledge about programming constructs and limited theoretical vision causes Olsen to frequently overuse GOTO statements when he encounters tough logical problems.
Olsen says he plans to retire from MEDITECH. “They’ve treated me OK, plus my parents aren’t all that healthy so I’ll get the house someday. I don’t really want to work all that hard and I have time for my clan responsibilities. I’m getting a paycheck and free soda for doing something I’m really, really average at. Plus, I’m in line for an $800 a year raise. Life is good.”
Local Hospitals Connect by RHIO, Realize They Have Nothing to Say to Each Other
(MESQUITE, Colorado) Two Colorado hospitals that recently completed a lengthy technical project that allows their information systems to interoperate are still not willing to exchange information, according to executives of both organizations.
“It might be nice for patients, but we’re keeping our distance from those idiots,” says Richard W. “Dick” Banacek, marketing vice president for Community Hospital of Mesquite, referring to cross-town competitor St. Mary’s Hospital. “With them, it’s all about the marketing and the phony quality awards. I’ll believe they really want to improve care when they quit stealing our nurses and trying to build bigger buildings than us. Until then, it will be a cold day in hell before we send them any of our data.”
St. Mary’s VP Allen Prento was surprised by those comments. “Did that sanctimonious twit really say that? I don’t want their data anyway because I wouldn’t trust it. We’ll do our own patient tests and they can keep theirs, thank you very much.”
Hospital members of the regional health information exchange's board of directors were unavailable for comment, as they were attending state Certificate of Need meetings in order to challenge every capital project proposed by competitors.
Practice Fusion Shocks Industry with Free EMR Announcement
(SAN FRANCISCO, California) San Francisco startup Practice Fusion announced its intention this week to provide free electronic medical records to physicians, a move that technology advocates are applauding as providing a long-overdue boost for improved safety and efficiency.
The company announced a partnership with Vivid Entertainment Group of Los Angeles, a top adult film producer, to subsidize software costs through sponsored pornography advertisements that will display alongside patient information on the screens of physician users.
According to Vivid spokesperson Savanna Samson, the company will make its exclusive library of content available to Practice Fusion’s users at discounted rates, along with that of its industry partners. Provocative advertising messages featuring audio and video will be presented frequently as users interact with the electronic medical record.
The company believes that “more than enough” physicians will sign up for the optional service to offset their underwriting costs of the project.
Hospital CEO Cracks Down on Goofy-Looking IT Staff
(AUGUSTA, Georgia) University Hospital CEO Bill Bixley says “enough is enough.”
When it comes to the appearance of hospital IT staff, that is.
Bixley announced sweeping changes today to the previously lax IT department dress and grooming codes. That move won’t win him any programmer friends, but it’s a welcome first step toward restoring confidence in the hospital’s keyboard cowboys.
“I was getting a lot of complaints from other departments that have strict uniform requirements,” Bixley says. “I went down there to see for myself since the IT people hardly ever get more than a mouse cable’s length away from their precious PCs. I was shocked.”
What Bixley found was a motley crew of pale-skinned technologists whose interaction with non-IT humans was so rare that to this day he calls the basement-housed, fluorescent-lit department a “geek grow lamp project.”
“I saw bespectacled 50 year olds with gray ponytails and blue jeans, for God’s sake,” Bixley marvels. “Everybody was hauling around stupid-looking backpacks like college freshmen. Hello, ever heard of briefcases like adults carry? And who wears sandals to a hospital job? Well, I can tell you who doesn’t now – that bunch.”
Bixley got pushback from a few aging IT activists who resented the unwelcome reminder of their paycheck-induced subservience to The Man. His “ties required” rule was followed, but creatively protested with clip-on bow ties and cartoon character dickies. However, he’s sticking to his guns.
“If it means that even once a year I don’t have to see a big old programmer’s ass squeezed into blue jeans with a gray ponytail running down a flannel shirt, it was worth it.”
Company Starts a Blog Consisting of All Press Releases
(WAYNE, Pennsylvania) Software vendor MEDecision announced this week that it has entered the blogosphere by having a marketing writer post approved company press releases into a blog-like format.
“We’ve always had a website, but something was missing,” says Primary Blogmaster Donnie Debuto. “Suddenly, our executives realized what it was: we weren’t sorting the press releases in reverse chronological order. Once we embraced that paradigm shift, we realized it was a fundamental change in our brand management and customer-facing communications.”
Like most successful and interesting blogs, MEDecision’s will be opinionated, passionate, and constantly updated. That’s according to the company’s Blogosphere Committee, a group of vice presidents and marketing consultants that approved the initial “Welcome to Our Blog” posting in a record-breaking three weeks. Future postings will consist only of the company’s press releases, but the company is considering allowing positive reader comments to be posted as individually approved by the committee.
The company reports that it had always wanted to be open and honest, but couldn’t figure out how to do it until outside marketing consultants recommended blogging as a hip and relevant business strategy. Now, Debuto says, executives don’t even think twice about having someone else blog under their names. “You can bet that when we have a sales announcement, the committee will blog openly and honestly about it.”
Survey: Consumers Want ED Technology
(CHICAGO, Illinois) A new survey commissioned by the Healthcare Information and Management Systems Society indicates that consumers strongly favor the use of technology in the hospital emergency department, the organization said this week in a press release.
Of 1005 adults surveyed in March, 91 percent say that emergency departments should invest in technologies that make pay movie channels available in waiting rooms. Nine percent had no opinion because they were unconscious while awaiting treatment during their last ED visit.
Frequent flyer Brandi Wyatt, who uses the local hospital’s ED as a free primary care provider for her extended family, favors Showtime. “I guarantee patients would quit hollering about having to wait if a good ‘Queer as Folk’ was on,” she said while impatiently seeking medical attention for a toe cramp for which the hospital has no chance of being paid. “How much Judge Judy and Home Improvement can you take, especially with those endless daytime commercials for bankruptcy and personal injury attorneys? Their $12 a month would be well spent.”
Every US Hospital Receives MEDSEEK’s eHEalth Award
(CHICAGO, Illinois) MEDSEEK, a leading provider of enterprise eHealth solutions with 600-plus hospital clients around the country, proudly congratulates every hospital in the United States, winners of the company’s second eHealth Award for outstanding performance in the use of eHealth web technologies.
Representatives of the winning organizations are invited to contact their MEDSEEK sales representatives for more information on picking up their awards and a free weekend in Orlando, both of which will be given after attending a 90-minute sales presentation.
Local Man Creates Health 2.0 Mashup
(GADSDEN, Alabama) Local farmer and part-time inventor Sherrill F. “Shorty” Doddrill is winning attention for his new Health 2.0 software application. His Web mashup called Bugr promises to revolutionize healthcare through use of innovative Internet tools that cost him nothing.
Shorty’s creation uses MySpace for personal health records, Meetup for physician scheduling, LinkedIn for referrals, Blogger for progress notes, and Flickr as a medical imaging system. The system is free for physician use, but Shorty plans to run ads for his family’s Christmas tree business on it once the fledgling project gets market traction.
Shorty has no customers so far, but has received $10 million in investor financing. While he has no healthcare or technology experience, he predicts a quick end to his bricks and mortar competitors such as traditional hospitals, clinics, and medical practices.
Misys: We’re Embarrassed about Giving Away That Damned Hummer at HIMSS
(RALEIGH, North Carolina) Executives at struggling healthcare technology vendor Misys Healthcare Systems have expressed “profound sorrow” that the company sponsored the giveaway of a Hummer H2 at the 2005 HIMSS annual conference in Dallas. Nurse Basil Holloway won the vehicle after participating in an off-road racing game highlighting Misys Optimum.
“OK, it was stupid, are you happy now?” fumed CFO Charles Lambert in response to a reporter’s questioning of what appears to be a classic boneheaded move. “I let the marketing guys talk me into approving a $50,000 cost that got us nothing in return. We’re struggling and it was a big waste, but it’s certainly not up there with a lot of other stupid stuff this company has done. And don’t print that.”
CIO Admits Interfaces Were Easier to Manage than Crappy Single-Vendor Integration
(PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania) Mercy Hospital Chief Information Officer Bob LaRussa admits that he was wrong in steering his organization to a single-vendor clinical information system. Now that he’s experienced first-hand the horror of synchronized tables, inconsistent data modeling among multiple vendor-acquired products, and sloppy vendor QA, LaRussa longs for the days when he had multiple vendors to spread his risk around.
“Back then, I could at least put heat on a couple of vendors to get action,” LaRussa complains. “Now, stuff is breaking everywhere and my vendor’s people don’t even talk to each other. I’ve got only one unresponsive, technically incompetent company to beat up instead of several, and service has declined as a result. Integrated is overrated if you ask me.”
comments (2)
1. Misys Funployee left...
05/13/2007 5:18 pm
Well at least marketing was recently lightened of that retarded VP
recently. Fellow funployees gave a collective 'WTF?' when they heard about
the H2 give-away. Hasn't marketing heard that unlike the ousted VP, we
don't drive gas-guzzling Porsches?
2. Peter left...
05/16/2007 9:46 am
Are you sure that coder works for Meditech and not Epic? What's the
Wisconsin version of Bunker Hill Community College?
