Guest Article: Live from the HISsies, by Billy "Biff" Jutjaw

Lower the lights, strike the orchestra, roll in the red carpet, and cue our first presenters! To all of you assembled, it's time for The 2006 HISsies: the Brutally Honest Healthcare Information System Awards, Nominated and Voted On by the Readers of HIStalk.

Thanks to Joan and Melissa for the live dish from the red carpet. Was that a sexy Collette Dinnigan that Judy Faulkner was wearing, or could it have been Guy Laroche? It looked great with the earth shoes. Didn't Neal Patterson look super in his all-black turtleneck and suit with the fashionable fez and walking stick? Who was Pam Pure winking at in her Fred Leighton earrings, fresh off the McKesson corporate jet? And wasn't it fun to see the MEDITECH gang turn out in Wal-Mart's Simply Basic line while letting it slip that they just collectively purchased the entire state of Massachusetts for further company expansion?

This is indeed a most august occasion. The Academy has voted and the tally was certified by big-name accounting firms who also audit the revenue recognition policies of several software vendors. We're missing a few vendor developer attendees, but word is they're just running behind schedule and will arrive no later than the intermezzo sorbet. The McKesson contingent is delayed too, since their attempt to ride in the same limo fell apart due to poor communication, so each will drive separately and meet under the Horizon banner. Siemens delayed their attendance until next year due to their German-engineered automobile's still being without wheels or windows. The Picis and SIS guests were banned after a fistfight broke out on the red carpet, GE's Jay Leno had the crowd in stitches as he made jokes about "Scent-Tricity," and the ex-IDX crowd wore "I'm with Stupid" tee-shirts for no apparent reason.

Seen flitting from table to table was David Brailer, keen to get folks to talk to each other despite their intense dislike and distrust of each other. Everyone had high hopes for the sidewalk speeches of the magazine reporters present, but most of them seemed happy to wear their sandwich boards covered with vendor ads. CHIME had a big table, but immediately pulled it over to a separate room and banned non-CIOs from joining them, including their startled waiter, a First Consulting Group programmer moonlighting to cover his airfare from Bangalore. The irascible Mr. HIStalk, the industry's version of Hedda Hopper, was not in attendance, preferring as usual to make smug comments about those trying to make a difference instead of actually getting up from his anonymous computer and weirdo music long enough to accomplish something himself.

Now down to our floor commentator, Billy "Biff" Jutjaw, a former HIT company executive who lost his dignity but gained $10 million when he was recently fired for being "an incompetent doofus," according to irate shareholders who demanded his ouster. Over to you, BBJ!

The lights are going down! I see Dave Garets and Judy Faulkner coming out to make the first presentation. Don't they look well together? Dave's pretty darned hip in that handlebar mustache. Judy looks like a million dollars, probably because she's got that much in her purse to tip the valet. But I kid!

Our first category is Smartest Vendor Strategic Move. And our HISsies winner is: MEDITECH, for staying the course, a repeat from last year! They had some tough competition from Epic's sales slowdown to absorb their growth, but it appears their appeal was much broader than previously thought. Heeeeyynowwww! Congratulations to them. That trophy's huge! Show us the bling!

The presenters for the Stupidest Vendor Strategic Move are those Cerner funsters, Cliff and Neal. Hey, isn't that a pizza man up there with them? What a hoot - the name on his shirt is Tick Tock! They're naming the winner ... well, this is unusual! The academy's winner is Cerner, for suggestions of accounting irregularities. I don't know what the academy was thinking since those newspaper stories haven't panned out yet. Could it be that the voters really just dislike Cerner and took a cheap shot? I can't really see from here, but I think Neal is signalling to the crown that Cerner is #1. Good show, fellas!

Off go the boys and in comes our next presenter, BB Babowsky, Sales Guy Who's Been Around. I think he signed a deal at Table 3 on his walk up to the podium! Actually, I think he took the guy's wallet, BA DUM PAH! Rim shot! Wait, he's naming the Most Impressive Vendor Sales Deal. He's opening the envelope ... it's Epic, Stanford! Looks like they barely edged early favorite MEDITECH and Centura Health. Way to bring it home, Madison!

Later, BB. Up next is the coveted Best Healthcare IT Vendor, presented by those guys from KLAS. Boy, they sure brought a lot of graphs and stuff. Oh, I get it ... they're running around placing red, green, or yellow dots on each table! Everyone's trading, so the colors are all over the place. Killer stuff! Here's your winner ... oh my goodness, it's Misys in a landslide. They sure know how to bring out the vote at the last minute! Jolly good, chaps, as they say back in their country. This is quite a prize, so congrats to them.

Let's see who's coming out. It's those magazine guys in the sandwich boards, here to present the Worst Healthcare IT Vendor trophy. Boy, the room really quieted down with that announcement. It was so quiet that all you could hear was the sound of 50 sales guys' colognes duking it out. BA DUM PAH! Hold on now, the magazine guys are claiming that all vendors are wonderful and they won't name a worst one. Hey, it was a joke ... John Glaser came up as a CIO and threw the magazine guys in a trash can just like he does their free copies! Schweeeeet! Wait, he's announcing the winner, and it's Cerner. Surely the academy doesn't really believe that, do they? Was McKesson really ten percentage points behind them? I guess everyone likes to take shots at the big dog. I see Neal's hand coming out from behind the curtain doing that "We're #1" thing again. That or half of his V for Victory is as noticeably absent as a certain company's products at the top of the KLAS rankings. BA DUM PAH!

Let's move to the provider side of the voting. The Best Provider Healthcare IT Organization is up for grabs next, the biggie for hospitals. I think that's a CIO presenting, but it looks like a temporary badge. He's saying he's new on the job since his predecessor was fired for a failed CPOE implementation. Hey, after all, CIO stands for Career Is Over, my egotistical, overpaid ex-programmer friend. BA DUM PAH! The winner is coming up the stairs ... it's Cleveland Clinic. Hey, that looks like one of their researchers going up, holding hands with some drug company people. Get a room, fellas, this ain't Brokeback Mountain! BA DUM PAH!

We're ready for the Vendor Most Likely to Be Acquired award. Looks like it's Jeff Immelt presenting. Hey, GE gets more free publicity from their rumored acquisitions than from a $7 toaster sale at K-Mart! BA DUM PAH! OK, here's the winner - yes, it is indeed Eclipsys, sneaking by Allscripts in a fairly close race. Well, that wasn't much of a surprise, I have to say. The academy went with the obvious choice, but they've been wrong before. Who's the babe with the magazines? Oh, I've heard of her ... it's the Subscription Model! BA DUM PAH!

Let's talk money, lots of it. Name the HIS-related Company in Which You'd Love to be Given $100,000 in Stock Options that Can't Be Cashed In for 10 Years. Last year's winner was "none of them" as a write-in vote, although IBM won otherwise. Up on the podium is the Most Wired crew. Hey fellas, put that survey away - it ain't the size of the pencil, it's how you write your name! BA DUM PAH! Here comes the big wiener: congrats to Epic for barely sneaking by GE and MEDITECH. If Judy had a feather down her blouse and I had her Epic stock, we'd both be tickled! BA DUM PAH!

Let's talk technology for Most Promising Technology Development. Not talking gadgets in front of this geek crowd would be like going to LA and not sleeping with Paris Hilton! BA DUM PAH! I have no idea who that presenter is, dressed like kitchen cleaner. Hey, it's AJAX - a wacky programmer in-joke! Good one, my coding, companionless loser friend! He's announcing the winner ... National Health Information Network. Good choice by the academy. They could have left off "health" and just used the Nine Inch Nails logo. BA DUM PAH!

OK, we're back from commercial and the big production number featuring hospital CFOs playing music composed completely in Excel macros. Let's catch up on what we missed: For Most Overrated Technology, PDAs won big. I didn't know anyone even cared enough about PDAs to call them overrated, but I'll go with the academy. For Biggest HIT-Related News Story of the Year, it was a big win for Hurricane Katrina Shows the Benefits of EMRs. For Best Speaker You Heard at a Conference in 2005, Newt Gingrich edges David Brailer. Blue, you're my boy!

Misys wins Most Impressive Vendor at the HIMSS Annual Conference 2005. Let's give props to Interoperability, our winner in the Most Overused Buzzword category.

Back to the live action. Boy, that production number made my skin crawl like a VeriChip in John Halamka's arm. BA DUM PAH! This crowd's a bunch of stiffs -- it's deader in here than at the closing keynote at HIMSS. BA DUM PAH! Hold on, here comes Betsy Hersher to present the award for Most Effective CIO in a Healthcare Provider Organization. She's opening the envelope ... evaluating the culture of the winning organization ... sending the academy an invoice for her time ... and the winner is, Martin Harris of Cleveland Clinic! It's a two-bagger for CC tonight, kind of like my old girlfriend! BA DUM PAH!

We're down to the final two awards. The big dogs. Everyone's leaning forward in their seats and up comes our next presenter. It's Norm Peterson from Cheers! Mr. George Wendt himself. I'll thrown him a Woody straight line: "Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." Here comes his line: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here." BA DUM PAH. I love this guy! He's reading off the nominees for HIS Industry Figure with Whom You’d Most Like to Have a Few Beers. He's opening the envelope ... the award goes to David Brailer. Set 'em up, Big Dave, let's pound us some brew! He took #2 Mr. HIStalk by a few dozen votes. Who says government guys can't be a party waiting to happen? Hey, Davemeister, don't be trashin' my EMR progress or I got your interoperability right here, pal! BA DUM PAH!

You can feel the tension in the room now, as the final award of the evening comes up, the much-coveted trophy for HIS Industry Figure in Whose Face You’d Most Like to Throw a Pie. Will be it be Patterson, Tarrant, Faulkner, McCall, Garets, or Classen? So many pie candidates, so little time. Out comes our presenter, last year's winner, Neal Patterson. He's already had a big evening. He's been busier than a consulting company's PowerPoint expert! BA DUM PAH! He's opening the envelope ... seems to be trembling a bit, understandable since he's a nominee here. The winner ... NEAL PATTERSON REPEATS! He's done it! The big HISsie is his two years in a row! The crowd is standing ... surging forward ... hold on, I see a bunch of people with pies ... they're rushing the podium, the pies are flying. Oh, the humanity! Patterson goes down in a mountain of meringue. I see a finger coming up ... I think he's giving the "I'm OK" sign!

That's the end of our broadcast, and what an evening it's been. Congratulations to the winners and see you next year! And please join me, Biff Jutjaw, in my new reality series called "Develop Clinical Applications with the Stars," where Gary Coleman, Al Roker, Dana Carvey, and Mr. T pair up with clinical experts to see who can develop a market-leading CPOE application in just one week. See you then!

2006 HISsies Winners

Smartest vendor strategic move
MEDITECH, for staying the course

Stupidest vendor strategic move 
Cerner, for suggestions of accounting irregularities

Most impressive vendor sales deal
Epic, Stanford 

Best healthcare IT vendor
Misys

Worst healthcare IT vendor
Cerner

Best provider healthcare IT organization
Cleveland Clinic

Vendor most likely to be acquired in 2006
Eclipsys

HIS-related company in which you'd love to be given $100,000 in stock options that can't be cashed in for 10 years.
Epic

Most promising technology development
National Health Information Network

Most overrated technology
PDAs

Biggest HIS-related news story of the year
Hurricane Katrina shows the benefit of EMRs

Best speaker you heard at a conference in 2005.
Newt Gingrich

Most impressive vendor at the HIMSS Annual Conference 2005
Misys

Most overused buzzword
Interoperability

Most effective CIO in a healthcare provider organization
Martin Harris, Cleveland Clinic

HIS industry figure with whom you’d most like to have a few beers
David Brailer, US Government

HIS industry figure in whose face you’d most like to throw a pie
Neal Patterson, Cerner